BECAUSE I AM FREE

When one finds himself in a situational pattern, it having developed in his daily life out of a need for order and stability following a period of upheaval, uncertainty and a string of stormy events, where it felt the rain would never let up, it becomes apparent some new choices need to be made, even if those choices have to be addressed in the middle of a downpour. 

In the spirit of fairness, I must say when one is coming from an environment of extreme subversive psychological, emotional and mental torment, meant to break one's will and spirit of self determination, a safe resting place is appropriate for a brief respite to collect oneself, to figure out a desired direction and to regain a sense of self, to proceed from a solid foundation of confidence and a restored sense of self-love.

Although it's important not to underestimate the damage done by the insidious messages planted in one's consciousness by such treatment, it is equally important not to over indulge in one's solitude or state of withdrawal as it can become a reinforcement of the negativity and abuse one is trying to overcome. At a point it becomes a self-indulgent circle where one feels he is engaging, but in truth he is in a loop which may even have a feeling of assertiveness, yet just below the surface is righteous indignation and self-pity.

I know this because it happened to me and no matter how much I built up the facade, the vibration of those feelings below the surface, being how I actually felt about myself, regardless of the face I put forward, is what people were reading when in my presence.  Self-pity and self-deprecation are the lowest one can go on the self-esteem scale. It's practically the absence of any glimmer of self-esteem or self-worth.

Well one day I realized I had just entered the beginning of the loop again. It caught my attention and as I never want to intentionally live on an emotional or spiritual cruise control, I knew I had to change the vibration from the inside out, I had to change my mind about my situation, my role in it and where it had left me.  

I knew if I changed the way I approached a few things, adjusting my attitude toward where I currently find myself in my life, forgive myself for all of the "should of's" and love myself for being willing to honestly look at myself, my life, and my past choices, I could make new choices from a positive, productive heart, leading me out of this circular rut, which is simply a product of old choices I had kept making over and over out of habit.

 

I began with seemingly ordinary things, but significant enough to cause energy to shift. Then I changed specifics like the time of day I would do something, as well as the way I would approach it.  I stopped approaching my day as something I had to do to recover what had been taken from me, to something I got to do because I am free, creative, loving and generous in nature. It ceased being something I had to "recover" and became something I get to "build."

I remembered the mirror work I had done with Louise Hay years ago, so I began to stand in front of my mirror and looking into my eyes, not breaking the contact, stated all of the things I appreciate about myself.  I had forgotten how powerful this exercise is because when I said, "I love you" tears began streaming down my face. I stood there and let it happen until I was cried out. 

 

Afterward, I was completely exhausted so I slept. When I woke up, something was different, something is different.  I feel lighter, kinder and more patient with myself.  It's a start and enough for me right now.

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